I guess it was time for a meltdown

As most of you know, the moment you start to feel better is when your disease reminds you that you are still in a relationship with the beast. I had a nice reality check today.

After my hospital stay in June, they were treating me for viral pneumonia. To this day I am still having shortness of breath. Which was my only complaint to begin with. All the doctors are still not convinced that I had pneumonia, but they don’t know what else to call it. My only problem is my heart rate being so high. Even after putting me on a high dose of medication to slow my heart down, it is still not where it should be.

I currently have a heart rate monitor on me for the next 48 hours. They want to monitor my heart rate a little closer, without me having to stay at the hospital. So I picked that up today. 

Now, my liver tests have jumped up to a scary level. My doctor has suspicions that this is autoimmune related. Which is good and bad. We wont know until more testing is done next week. 

You would think I would be used to tests. Well, I am. That is the problem I have right now. I am exhausted!! I am tired of testing and not knowing. Even when I AM feeling better, things still aren’t better! How could that be?

I blame all of this on my disease. Every ounce of it. Okay, so what I just have wires hooked up to me. Harmless enough. Well, I am tired of doing harmless tests and hospital visits. I have had enough. If my body could fight,I wouldn’t have any of these problems. I know this disease makes me stronger, but even though I am feeling better now, the tests say differently. 

Finally, I just let myself cry tonight. I didn’t want to. I just happened to look at myself in the mirror and saw all the wires hooked up to me. I then ignored it and tried making something to eat, when I just broke. It’s normal.

I am almost in remission and that is what I have to keep in mind. There will be bumps in the road, but I must keep going. There is a long road ahead of me and this is just the beginning. It’s okay to get upset at doctors, friends, co workers, and even yourself. Learn to be honest with yourself and your feelings. If you need to break down, then do it! It is normal and look what we are up against. Give yourself more credit. 

What are some of your triggers when you break down? 

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